Emotional trauma is an inevitable part of life. We all find ways to deal with the emotional trauma dealt out to us in life, and all coping mechanisms to emotionalism trauma are different.
What I find we all have in common is that we always hide away suffering as if it is a shame. We cover the different traumas that happen to us in impenetrable silence and keep it to ourselves. We rarely find ways to speak of traumatic events in our daily lives.
To cope is to try to go on with life, while carrying these unimaginably heavy traumas. Because life does not stop and wait for you to heal. The pain of losing a loved one for example, is one that never heals. A gaping hole is left in your life that sucks everything inside it.
To some the answer to this pain is to pick up a blade and trace it out onto their skins. Some chase the bottom end of a bottle. Some want needles. And almost all of us stay in harmful state of emotional self mutilation.
You see the cutting of your skin makes sense. It is practical, and the ending is predictable. It will hurt and you may bleed. The healing thereof is inevitable too. Emotional scars are a different reality.
Emotional memory is what is left even when the events which cause us trauma are past. It stays inside and stains all your experiences after. We numb ourselves down so that we can have room to feel other things, sometimes that too does not work.
During this lockdown many may be tempted to go back to old ways of coping. Some are left with too many thoughts in their heads and nothing to do. So we prod and torture ourselves over what should and should not be.
We burn cigarettes on our arms. We slice razor blades on our thighs. Then we cover them up, and sometimes the blood soaks through and people ask questions. Sometimes we don’t really care and we leave our scars out.
Because here is proof that I have suffered, and here is the pain etched on my body. Pain that words will never be able to put into perspective. There is a lack of a language for emotional trauma. To describe pain as both numbing and excruciating.
To describe what anger, what loneliness does to your insides. Without really having to think too hard about it, and without being told that it is normal.
No it is not normal to be so numb and yet so pained and to still have to go on and answer “I am good, how are you?” When the world inquires of your well being.
What the world wants to do is forget about pain. We want to exist in a so called chase of happiness. The only right way to feel pain is if it will lead you to happiness. So if your pain is never ending, there is no room for you in society.
That is why we demand explanations when we see physical scars that don’t make sense. That is why we accept depression but not when it is chronic. Because there is no happy ending there, just a consistently powerful darkness that eats up any light that enters.
The sad and depressed remind us of our own pain. The ones that do not have triumphant stories are the very reflection of our own darkness which will never end.
So we call them crazy because if we dare accept them as part of us, we would be letting go of the lifelong fantasy of happily ever afters.
If you are reading this and you carry that black-hole at the pit of your stomach. If your arms and legs are marked with traces of your trauma. Know that you are okay, even if you are not. It is hard enough carrying an invisible weight whose heaviness you cannot describe.
The voices in your head are not a reflection of you. The darkness is certainly yours and may seem never ending, but I hope you never stop trying to ignite your light.
Perhaps the same darkness is the light. Perhaps you fumbled a little too much searching for the light and forgot that you are the light.
However you are dealing with your trauma, I hope you find your way through. Even if it does not seem like it, even though we are all different but we are a collective in this. You are much larger than life than you may realize, you are doing okay.
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